Learning to Look After Yourself Without Feeling Selfish
Sometimes we become so busy looking after everyone and everything around us that we forget to stop and ask ourselves a very simple question:
How am I actually doing?
We think about what needs doing, who needs us, what needs fixing and what responsibilities we have. We keep going because there is always something else that needs our attention.
And somewhere along the way, we can forget about ourselves.
I have learnt that there is a difference between being selfish and recognising that your own wellbeing matters too.
Islam does not teach us to live a life where everything revolves around ourselves. Our purpose is much greater than that. We were created to worship Allah, and we have responsibilities towards the people around us.
But that doesn’t mean we should completely neglect ourselves until we are exhausted, overwhelmed and simply surviving each day.
Sometimes we need to stop.
Reflect.
Make duʿā.
Look at what is happening within ourselves.
And ask what needs to change.
Sometimes we are simply surviving
There are seasons of life where it can feel as though we are just getting through one day after another.
Wake up.
Deal with what needs dealing with.
Solve the next problem.
Keep going.
Repeat.
From the outside, everything might look fine.
But inside, you can be tired, overwhelmed or carrying far more than anyone realises.
One thing we have to remember as Muslims is that this life was never promised to be free from hardship.
Allah tells us:
“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits—but give glad tidings to the patient.”
Qur’an 2:155
Allah then praises those who respond to calamity with patience and remember that they belong to Him and will return to Him. A student of knowledge here in the uk, Abu Khadeejah explains that believers know difficulties and calamities are part of this life, and that patience through them brings reward, mercy and expiation of sins.
This changes the way we look at hard times.
A difficult period doesn’t necessarily mean everything has gone wrong.
Sometimes we are being tested.
And sometimes those tests cause us to stop and look at ourselves in a way we never would have done when everything was comfortable.
Ask yourself what needs to change
I think there are times when we need to be truthful with ourselves.
What is draining me?
What am I allowing into my life that continually causes harm?
What can I change?
What am I neglecting?
How is my relationship with Allah?
Am I making enough duʿā?
Am I giving myself time to rest and think?
Am I constantly reacting to everything around me instead of slowing down and responding properly?
That last point is something I have thought about a lot.
Umm Khadeejah at Mums Unstuck speaks about mothers becoming stuck in overwhelm and “survival mode,” and about how working upon ourselves can affect the way we respond to our families.
Sometimes we are waiting for everybody around us to change when actually there are things we need to work on too.
That doesn’t mean blaming ourselves for everything that happens.
It means recognising what is within our control and working on that.
Some things are simply outside of our control
This has been one of the biggest lessons for me.
There are things we can change.
And then there are things we simply cannot.
We can make better decisions.
We can leave harmful habits.
We can improve our character.
We can seek knowledge.
We can make tawbah.
We can change the way we respond.
But we cannot control other people.
We cannot control everything that happens tomorrow.
And we cannot rewrite what Allah has already decreed.
That is where tawakkul — reliance upon Allah — becomes so important.
Allah says:
“And whoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him.”
Qur’an 65:
And He says:
“And place your trust and reliance in Allah if you are true believers.”
Qur’an 5:23
These verses are explained in Abu Khadeejah’s study guide on tawakkul: the believer places their trust and reliance upon Allah.
That doesn’t mean we sit back and do nothing.
We do what we are able to do.
And then we entrust what we cannot control to Allah.
There is peace in understanding that difference.
When you don’t know what to do, make duʿā
Sometimes you reach a point where you genuinely don’t know what comes next.
You don’t have the answer.
You cannot see how something will work out.
And perhaps you have spent far too much time trying to work everything out inside your own head.
That is when we need to remember who we should be turning to.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“When you ask, ask Allah. And when you seek help, seek help from Allah.”
Abu Khadeejah also mentions the prophetic guidance to make plenty of duʿā during times of ease so that a person turns to Allah during hardship and distress.
Sometimes our duʿā doesn’t need to be long.
Ask Allah to help you.
Ask Him to guide you.
Ask Him to make your affairs easy.
Ask Him to remove what is harmful.
Ask Him to give you patience.
Ask Him to rectify your heart.
Ask Him for whatever good you are in need of.
And keep asking.
One of the things I have learnt is that there is something very humbling about reaching the point where you realise:
I cannot do everything myself.
And we were never meant to rely entirely upon ourselves anyway.
Patience doesn’t mean that nothing hurts
Sometimes we misunderstand ṣabr.
We can think being patient means we shouldn’t feel sadness, tiredness or difficulty.
But patience does not mean pretending something doesn’t hurt.
A student of knowledge here in the uk Abu Iyāḍ explains that patience includes restraining the tongue from improper complaining, the heart from displeasure with Allah’s decree, and the limbs from acting upon that displeasure. He also explains that worldly hardship can be a means of expiation, reward and strengthening one’s character when met correctly.
So you can be hurting and still be patient.
You can be tired and still trust Allah.
You can cry and still have tawakkul.
You can have a difficult day and still know that Allah’s decree contains wisdom.
The important thing is that we don’t allow hardship to push us away from Allah.
We allow it to bring us closer.
Stop trying to solve your entire life today
Another lesson I have learnt is that thinking about everything at once can become overwhelming.
What will happen next month?
What if this happens?
What if that doesn’t happen?
What about next year?
We can mentally live through a hundred situations that haven’t even happened.
Sometimes you need to return yourself to today.
What does Allah require from me today?
What prayer is next?
What responsibility do I need to fulfil?
What good deed can I do?
What do I need to repent from?
What can I realistically deal with today?
Then leave tomorrow where it belongs.
With Allah.
Shaykh Ṣāliḥ al-Fawzān explained that a Muslim should not become hopeless during trials, and that the believer should look at matters with optimism and not despair of Allah’s Mercy.
That is something worth remembering when our minds begin running too far ahead.
Looking after yourself doesn’t mean putting yourself above everyone
I think this is important.
When people speak about “self-care” today, sometimes the message becomes:
Put yourself first.
Do whatever makes you happy.
Cut everyone off who makes life difficult.
Islam gives us something more balanced than that.
There are rights and responsibilities.
There are things we sometimes have to do even when we don’t feel like doing them.
But there is also nothing praiseworthy about deliberately running ourselves into the ground and then wondering why we have nothing left to give.
I’ve learnt that I need to recognise when I need rest.
When I need quiet.
When I need to step away from unnecessary things.
When I need to spend time reading Qur’an.
When I need to make dhikr.
When I need to make duʿā.
When I need to sit quietly and think.
And sometimes when I simply need to stop filling every available moment with something.
Taking care of yourself should help you become better in your worship, better in your responsibilities and better towards the people around you — not more selfish.
That is the difference.
Make room for things that bring goodness into your life
Life doesn’t always need to be complicated.
Sometimes it is the simple things that help us reset.
Reading something beneficial.
Spending time with good people.
Learning something new.
Being with family.
Resting.
Going outside.
Sitting quietly.
Reading Qur’an.
Making dhikr.
Attending a beneficial lesson.
Doing something halal that you genuinely enjoy.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying the blessings Allah has given us.
And perhaps sometimes we have become so consumed by everything that is going wrong that we have forgotten to notice everything Allah is still giving us.
The Prophet ﷺ advised us to look at those who have been given less than us in worldly matters rather than constantly looking at those who have more, because this helps us not belittle the blessings Allah has given us.
Sometimes we need to deliberately look again at our lives and say:
Alhamdulillāh.
There is still good here.
Ask a different question during hardship
We naturally ask:
Why is this happening to me?
But perhaps there are other questions worth asking too.
What can I learn from this?
What is this showing me about myself?
Do I need to return to Allah in something?
Is there something I need to change?
Do I need to make tawbah?
Have I been depending too heavily upon people instead of Allah?
What can I do differently going forward?
Trials are inevitable.
Shaykh Muqbil رحمه الله reminded that Allah tests His creation with both good and evil, and what matters is remaining patient and firm through those tests.
We may not choose the trial.
But we can choose what we do while we are going through it.
I am still learning
I don’t write this as somebody who has mastered all of these things.
I haven’t.
I’m learning too.
Sometimes we learn something.
Then we forget.
Then Allah reminds us again.
And we try again.
But one thing I am beginning to understand more is that difficult periods in our lives do not have to be meaningless.
They can teach us.
They can soften us.
They can expose things within ourselves that need correcting.
They can remind us how weak we actually are.
And most importantly, they can bring us back to Allah.
So if you’re feeling overwhelmed at the moment, perhaps don’t try to solve your whole life today.
Start smaller.
Pray your next ṣalāh.
Make duʿā.
Ask Allah for help.
Do what is within your ability.
Leave what you cannot control with Allah.
Rest if you genuinely need to rest.
Think about what needs changing.
And keep moving forward, one day at a time.
Because our strength isn’t in believing we can carry everything ourselves.
Our strength is in knowing Who to turn to when we can’t.
“And whoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him.”
Qur’an 65:3
Sources used
Abu Khadeejah — Coping with Trials, Suffering and Hardships
Abu Khadeejah — Supplicating to Allah
Abu Iyāḍ — Patience and Satisfaction with Allah’s Decree
Salafi Centre — Patience and Trials
Mums Unstuck
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